Setting Boundaries – Are You Sick?

October 3, 2018

It is important to ‘Guard Our Energy.’

Guarding our energy basically means to administer and preserve our energy. If we don’t do that, we will run out of fuel and wear ourselves down. It’s self-preservation. We need work time, chill time, downtime, social time and so on.

If we lower those boundaries of what each of us needs for a productive day, with time for work and time for everything else, we can soon find ourselves overrun by more or less needy demands.

Some time ago I posted this very interesting article on “Needy Friendships”.

If you need to set boundaries, do it while knowing that you are not signing up for a popularity contest. People will sometimes feel entitled to trespass the boundaries you have set up. Perhaps they just want your attention.
They can have it – on your terms – not their terms.
Or better: on a co-working term that serves both well.

If this sounds selfish to you, I would advise you to reflect a bit on the concept of selfish and maybe reach the conclusion that if selfishness is the same as self-preservation it’s OK – it’s called Consciously Selfish. That is miles from the mainstream meaning of the word Selfish, which is: I only do things for myself – self-serving.

And speaking of serving…

This problem is really toxic if you are into spirituality, because that seems to equal being ‘boundaryless’: serving others when they see fit – not you.
It’s a slow, slow, exhausting death of our energetic body until there’s nothing more than an empty shell left. Those who thought: “Wow-cool, she´s spiritual, that means that she can’t say no,” will long ago have moved on to the next host to suck their energy. And you’re left God damn tired.

Being spiritual doesn’t equal being of mindless service and mistreating yourself.
When you can see that cliff approaching, it’s time to set up boundaries so that you don’t fall into the abyss where you are just so damn tired and you have the responsibility for your own tiredness, so you really can’t blame anyone for not seeing your boundaries, since it is your job to set them and when you do, you come under attack for maybe: Not being spiritual enough.

Spiritual enough equals no boundaries?

Setting boundaries is honoring yourself.
Setting boundaries is knowing yourself.
Setting boundaries is self-preservation.
Setting boundaries is spiritual maturity.

Personally, I came upon these dynamics last week.

I just said: “No, no more – I can’t do that for you – You are trespassing my boundaries.”

The response I got was: “Are you not feeling well? What is wrong? Things not good in your life?”
I mean: Really?

The conclusion to that is: You put up boundaries and then you get diagnosed, because there must be something wrong with you and that must be the reason for the: No.

No, the reason for the No is: Guarding your energy, taking care of yourself, administering your time.

Diagnosing you this way is called Jackal Language coined by Marshall Rosenberg in “Non – Violent Communication”.

I don’t take offense in such matters since I know my energy and when not to push it and take a walk, sit at a café and enjoy a coffee and just observe life while charging my batteries.

Because you’re ‘spiritual’ doesn’t mean you’re game 24/7.

Respect boundaries and do not use that pseudo therapeutical ‘transference’ /shadow stuff.

If people have boundaries it means that they are Healthy.
It doesn’t mean they are sick.

© 2018 Soren Dreier

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