The Evil Vampires of Malawi

April 23, 2020

“This is a human-rights tragedy of the highest order, and yet even as I type this, I can hear some readers laughing.”

The vampires are back in Malawi again, but no one is taking it seriously.

Here, in one of the world’s poorest nations, where the nominal GDP is only $1 a day, one in ten adults has HIV, and life expectancy is only 50, the vampires are back sucking the blood of poor villagers.

What’s worse, everyone is gaslighting them and insisting it’s not even happening, meaning their screams for help evaporate in the germ-charged, AIDS-soaked African air.

Even worse than that, the bold villagers who are rising up and killing the vampires are being arrested and charged with whatever the African equivalent is of spreading “fake news.”

This is a human-rights tragedy of the highest order, and yet even as I type this, I can hear some readers laughing.

As everyone knows, black people are magical, and Africa is a land of endless enchantment. If people aren’t having their blood sucked by vampires, then their penises disappear with a single handshake, car thieves transform into goats, and answering a simple phone call can kill you. Africa is like every Disney movie ever made come to life in bleeding, screaming color.

Malawi is a humble land of 18 million svelte Africans, most of whom are extremely poor and rural yam-diggers yet are intelligent and street-wise enough to know that witchcraft is real and that if so-called “human-rights workers” or “medical technicians” come bearing needles seeking to take alleged “blood samples” in order to promote what they call “community health,” they are in reality blood-sucking vampires—known colloquially as anamapopa—who want to eat your soul.

Excuse them for livin’, but most Africans have a problem with their souls being eaten.

Yet every time they stand up for their human rights and say, “ENOUGH with these vampires,” their so-called “authority figures” smack them back down and tell them to zip a lip.

Denying reality before his constituents’ very eyes, Malawian police spokesman James Kadadzera called the vampire attacks a “hoax” and bragged that “As I am talking to you, 37 people have been arrested and they will answer for murder, others for assaults and others of malicious damage.”

No need to check your eyesight, because you read that right—instead of jailing and prosecuting the vampires—which is the only option that makes sense—a man who is entrusted to protect the welfare of poor Malawians is instead jailing the noble peasants who are trying to fight the vampires.

If you believe in #BelieveWomen as much as I believe in it, I beseech ye to believe the accounts of three separate African woman who’ve either had their blood sucked by vampires—against their will, no less—or live in constant fear that sooner or later a vampire will suck their blood.

Agnes Zimba is a strong, empowered, weather-beaten Malawian woman who claims that she can’t even sleep in her house anymore for fear that a damned vampire will show up and suck her blood:

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