Perspective is a beautiful thing. Yet, we only have it once we’re out of the quicksand of those heavy emotions. Once we’ve cleared the trees and can see the wood we can finally wonder, in amazement, at what we’ve gone through to get to the other side.
The path looks so clear at a distance but wild, overgrown and daunting when we’re in the thick of it.
In the midst of emotional turmoil, with choppy seas and far-distant shores of safety, it is purely about survival. Just get through this thing and make it through to the other side. Whatever this thing is. For me it’s normally fear. Or deep heartache. Or depression.
Not depression as defined by clinical standards. I mean depression in a literal sense. A deep groove which we can so easily slide into without noticing the signs. A shift downwards into a place where the sun can’t quite reach and our handle on clarity and perspective feels dangerously loose.
We all have these moments, it’s human nature to experience the lows as well as the highs. Life is not a flat line. If it was, we’d most likely be dead. It needs a heartbeat, first of all. Then it swoops and dives as we rollercoaster our way through the astonishing highs and deep, dark lows of this beautiful, raw existence.
Penetrating the layers of denial
Life is both ugly and utterly divine. This is the nature of duality. We have good and bad, up and down, ying and yang. So, of course it’s natural to dive down low every once in a while. Each and every time we learn more about ourselves. We become stronger, more resilient. Wiser.
It was in one of these lows that I hit another layer of denial within myself. I thought, as we can often trick ourselves into thinking, that I was managing to live a more soul-led life. Less ego with all of its arrogance, judgement and defensiveness. And yet. What I was rudely reminded of was that I had another layer of understanding to penetrate.
This is what the process is all about. I call this process spiritual evolution and it involves constant learning, questioning, delving, forgetting and remembering. It’s not linear, nothing ever is. Growth and healing are never linear, they are backwards and forwards and roundabout in their passage. We are layers thick in our making.
Shedding these layers to understand the core of who we are and our place in this world takes time, effort and many lessons along the way. Beliefs have to shatter. Illusions and delusions have to be slowly unpeeled. Programming needs to be ejected and wiped clean.
And slowly, slowly, we rediscover the essence of our truest selves.
Fear of judgement is buried so deep
I realise now that I had fallen straight into the judgement trap. I thought I was flying free and high whereas, in reality, I was suckered in, up to my chest in the muddy emotions of impatience, anger, frustration and fear.
We all have our top-level emotions. These are basic ones that we understand and can explain, such as impatience around wanting something that we don’t yet have. Yet, there is always a deep driver of these surface emotions and it often comes from a place we’re totally unconscious of. For me I had a sharp realisation that it was coming from my fear of judgement.
And here’s where it tricks us.